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Filmed footage of teacher (Credit: Noamanneschmidt)

Mobile phone footage has been posted on the Internet of a teacher encouraging a student in front of a full classroom in Ohio, USA.

The 30 second clip has been watched over 38,000 times on social networking site Facebook and shows teacher Chris Sniotty leaning over the shoulder of 16 year old Simon Shawson while blatantly filling the boy with hope and confidence. “It’s completely out of character for ‘Snotty’,” said an on-looking classmate. “We don’t know what made him do it, but we hear life has being going good for him out of school lately so that might have had an affect.”

The principal of the school was unable for comment but fellow teacher Sandra Fahed defended her colleagues’ actions saying “Anyone who knows Chris knows that he wants his students to succeed. That is no secret within the school. Knowing him, it won’t be too distressful to have the world see his actions, but I do feel it is a violation of privacy. I just hope for him that this blows over as quickly as possible so that we can get back to normal”

Authorities in Ohio are unlikely to get involved this time but a local journalist thinks it is only a matter of time before they do. “We’re not used to seeing such human behavior between teachers and students, so this is obviously going to be treated with suspicion. I personally feel that the line may have been crossed but it’s not for me to decide.” The boy is said to be doing well since the event, with his parents saying, “Simon looks happier and seems to have more belief in himself, despite the ordeal.”

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Miner

32 Chilean miners are said to be fuming after finding out that their 4 month, underground prison is all an elaborate plan by work colleague Esteban Rojas to get his girlfriend Jessica Yanez to marry him.

The news broke this morning as Rojas made a webcam proposal where he admitted to the spectacle. “It was a very nice thing to do,” said Thos Brem, who is one of the hundreds of men trying to free the miners. “But we just wish he hadn’t chosen a mine this deep for the event. He obviously wanted it to be special.” Chilean officials who have been in constant contact with the men have reported that the atmosphere is ‘frosty enough down there now’ with Rojas being ousted from the group. “It’s a sad sight on the webcam,” said Brem. “He’s engaged and should be celebrating the occasion with his friends but the whole thing seems to have backfired.”

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Cat in a Wheelie Bin

High-ranking officials in flood-ridden Pakistan are under criticism today for their reluctance to take part in the ongoing ‘cat in the wheelie bin’ debate.

The cat was dumped by bank worker Mary Bale “as a joke”, but facebook campaigners failed to see the funny side and Mrs Bale (45) is now under investigation by the west midland police and the RSPCA. “I expected it to wriggle out of the bin,” said Bale.

With the story making front page news all over Britain, pressure is now on other countries to acknowledge its’ importance, but Pakistan has failed to print the story in any of its’ main news sources. “It’s disappointing,” said RSPCA campaigner Roisin Nerder. “I know everybody has their own problems but it is a cat in a wheelie bin at the end of the day and should be given the coverage it deserves.”

Pakistani officials were keen to send their sympathy’s to Lolo (4) and her family, but also defended the story’s’ omission form their front pages. “We do care about cats in wheelie bins, we really do, but it’s just that we’re now up to 1,539 deaths from the flooding. 20 million of our population has been affected by this disaster. 1.2 million families have had their houses damaged or destroyed and the loss to our agriculture is around £1.5 billion. We promise to print Lolos’ story as soon as we get ourselves back on our feet.”

That might not be good enough for some journalists however, with one claiming, “Recovery for Pakistan could take at least 3 years. Lolo will be 7 by then, which is 44 in human years. She will probably have put the trauma behind her by that stage.”

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The Controversial Mailbox (Pic: dougtone)

Barack Obama is under attack for being ‘insensitive and insulting’ to the families of those who died on September 11th (2001) by allowing a mailbox to be erected only kilometers away from where thousands of Americans lost their lives.

The mailbox will serve all residents of Jersey City (6km outside of NY), including Christians, Muslims and Islamists, which US patriots are strongly objected to. “We are not going to let them put a symbol of triumph at Ground Zero,” said New Yorker Fred Tholerent. “Innocent Americans didn’t give their lives for some President to come in and stomp all over it like this. This is just another example of the Islamisation of America.”

Protests have already gathered outside of the mailbox sparking some violent encounters between patriots and supporters of the box. “This is a question of freedom of religion,” claimed a supporter of the erection. “It will be a symbol of tolerance and individuality. We should all be able to come here and post our mail, regardless of creed or colour.”

This latest fiasco is expected to put a dent in the popularity of President Obama and his opposers are already rubbing their hands together with glee with news of some of his future ‘monuments’ reaching the press this week. The proposals include, the erection of a lamppost 10 miles from the grassy knoll, a water fountain 43 km from Pearl Harbour and the removal of some bushes from Iraq.

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Noel lighting Naomi's ciggy *Credit: Harrysach2010/BenSutherland)

British supermodel Naomi Campbell will be sentenced before the war crimes court today for her part in the ‘Blood Diamond’ saga and is expected to serve up to 6 years of being inconvenienced.

‘Contradicting stories and general dodgyness’ is believed to be the reason for the conviction but the nature of the punishment will come as a surprise to the watching public. “Ms Campbell will serve 6 years of constant inconvenience,” read a spokeswoman at The Hague’. “As from today she will have to enter any taxi, limousine or car by the traffic side only. Every flight she takes must suffer an indefinite delay time and all her cigarettes must be lit by Noel Edmonds,” read the statement.

Other ‘inconveniences’ listed throughout the 25 min statement included the removal and ban of batteries from the remote controls of all TV, DVD and other audio/visual devices from the millionaire’s home, soup to be consumed only with a fork, and a battery with a 1 hour maximum to be inserted into her mobile phone. Lawyers for Campbell said that their client was ‘devastated’ by the outcome and vows to challenge the verdict.

“These sanctions are completely over the top and inhumane,” said the Lawyer for Campbell, reading a statement from his client. “Nobody should be expected to live like this and my legal team will fight on to prove my innocence. I’ve never even met Noel Edmonds, but now his stupid number is saved in my stupid 1-hour phone for whenever I need a bloody ciggy.”

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Sleeping Walking

A private citizen affected by chronic sleepwalking has gone into hiding as he mounts a legal battle to ‘reclaim his soul’ from international media and transnational corporations. Jules La Touche from Marseille became a you tube phenomenon last week when CCTV footage of him sleepwalking naked made its way onto the internet. Three days later his friends were ignoring him.

McDonalds and Burger King have already invested in multi-million dollar campaigns of spoof versions of the event. The story has featured on every major news station in the western world, the images have inspired at least twenty bored musicians to write soundtracks to the video and he has been offered three book deals for his version of events. Mr. La Toche’s lawyer stated; “He is well and truely sick of it. He wants to know when the media will grow up and stop responding to pathetic knee-jerk human situations that not only damage but ruin the lives of private citizens.”

Publicist Max Clifford offered; “a lot of my clients could do with this type of exposure. He’s incredibly lucky. He should really make the most of it.” Now that he is in the public domain anyone can write whatever they want to say about him and anything he says or does can be reported in the public interest. Mr. La Touche  has even become the posterboy of cheap and tasteless exploitation and defamation masquerading as entertainment and informative news in the form of cheap wordpress smart arse satirical media.

His lawyer continued; “Anyone who is anyone is trying to make a dollar off my client, even me. He suffers from chronic sleep walking, thats it. There was nothing funny about the incident, nothing funny. It is a disposition he has to live with for the rest of his life and now he has to do this in private. He has had to be strapped into bed every night since this latest catastrophe and is terrified of removing any items of clothing.”

A press release from McDonalds stated; “We hit the lowest common denominator everytime. If people think this viral stuff is worth watching and laughing at, you better believe we are selling them a burger.”

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Straitharn Foley in a right state (Crdit: See Ming Lee)

A man from Texas was found stranded on a desert highway earlier today in a distraught state while wearing his underpants on his head. The man identified as Straitharn Foley (35)  was reported missing three days ago. It is alleged that Mr. Foley failed to arrive home from work after his GPS system battery failed and he was unable to orientate himself.

Mr. Foley admitted that he felt it was only a matter of time before something like this happened and he said the fact that he stored some emergency supplies of water and chocolate in the car had been the only reason he managed to survive as long as he had.  “Over the past few weeks the battery blinked every now and again so i got worried about that and i guess i was just preparing for the worst,” he said at a press conference with his relieved family.

Mr. Foley then joked, “I wouldn’t mind but i used to be able to drive around these parts years ago. It’s scary to think about how over-reliant i have become on my GPS.” His wife Darnelle added, “He’s usually so precise. He used to call me and tell me exactly how far away from home he was. Sometimes he walks right through the door as the microwave is about to beep for dinner.”

“I thought about trying to map myself in relation to the stars but i quickly realised i haven’t got a clue how to do that. I thought about singing to comfort myself but i realised that i had no idea how to do that. I had no idea what direction i was facing and what way i should go. So i just sat and waited and hoped someone would be able to find me and tweet about it. The only thing that got me by was my iPod. But then as that started to lose its battery power i just lost faith in the power of music and modern technology.”

This has become a big problem of late amongst car owners. Even taxi drivers around the world have begun to dream in GPS graphics and in London the cab driver exam ‘the knowledge’ has been replaced  with ‘the latest GPS update’.

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Floods in non-English places (Credit: flypig/Soctech)

As death tolls rise throughout the non-English speaking population of the world, from natural disasters and impoverished living conditions, reports on such catastrophes are edging closer and closer to becoming top stories on television, radio and newspaper reports.

“They’re almost there,” said media guru Sennan Leech. “However, their native tongue is really working against them. Had any of these things happened in a ‘closer to home’ capacity, we could definitely sell that type of story. But really, speaking in Hindi, Portuguese, Flemish, Afroasiatic or whatever, it’s always going to be difficult to compete with Robbie Williams getting married, Cheryl Cole getting sick or Russell Brand getting laid.”

Some recently devastated countries are even considering becoming re-colonised by Britain again in order to rebuild some sort of compassionate link with their previous occupier. “The first question we ask when we hear of a plane crash is ‘where was it?’ Should that matter?” asked Leech, while blowing cigar smoke down the phone. “Of course it doesn’t! Everyone knows non-english speaking countries have a higher threshold for pain and suffering. So although it’s bad, it’s not really all that bad. Especially when Russell has a new movie coming out and Cheryl is about to release another single… Hold the front page!”

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Sarkozy keeping a tight lip on things... (Credit: speakerpelosi)

Not content with telling Muslim women how to dress, French president Nicolas Sarkozy has turned his ignorance to his fellow politicians and in particular, female members of the European parliament.

He insulted Sandrine Belier of the French Green Group in a radio interview last week by claiming she “must be at her time of the month to say such stupid things.” Calls flooded into the station slamming the Presidents comment but he refused to apologise. Instead, he claims legislation should be introduced to ‘test the state of mind’ of a woman each time she says anything that could impact on the public.

“We are at a crucial stage of development for this country and for this planet. It is not unreasonable that we expect important decisions to be made with a level head,” said the president after the interview. “This is not a discriminatory issue.”

However, following a telephone conversation this morning between Sarkozy’s lawyers and former presidential candidate Ségolène Royal, it seems that the introduction of such legislation would also invalidate up to 70% of Nicolas Sarkozy’s decisions since coming to power in 2007. “If this law is to remain indiscriminatory then blood-flow to the penis should also affect ‘a level headed decision’ in the same way. And from what I hear, our president is never too far away from a semi, if not a full erection.”

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Naoimi getting her first look at an old bag of dirty stone (Credit: wikimedia)

Supporters of Silvio Berlusconi distanced themselves last night from the trial of former Liberian president Charles Taylor by stating that the ‘dirty pouch of stones’ described by the supermodel was by in no means related to the Italian Prime minister.

Naomi Campbell, who claimed that it was ‘not unusual receive a surprise gift from a man at any time of the night’, had earlier stated, before the war crimes court that she had been offered the pouch of what looked like ‘dirty old pebbles, in a dirty old pouch’ while staying in Nelson Mandela’s house in September 1997. “Two men called to my room at 4am, which wasn’t unusual for me, being a good looking girl,” claimed Campbell. “I invited the pouch bearer into my room and examined the quality of his stones before cupping them and falling asleep”.

Berlusconi will now, no doubt, be called on by the war crimes, tribunal to explain his involvement in the matter, but lawyer for the Italian leader demands his name be ruled out of the investigation. “It’s a shame that every time a saggy old bag of stones is exposed to a supermodel my clients name is the first on everyone’s lips. It’s true that they met at a fashion show in Milan some years back and I do believe that Silvio took a bit of a shining to Naomi, but to think that he would just call to her room and hand her his sack of “diamonds“ like that is absolutely preposterous. The case continues later this week where Mr. Taylor will be explaining how he got his hands on Mr. Berlusconi’s pouch in the first place.