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Filmed footage of teacher (Credit: Noamanneschmidt)

Mobile phone footage has been posted on the Internet of a teacher encouraging a student in front of a full classroom in Ohio, USA.

The 30 second clip has been watched over 38,000 times on social networking site Facebook and shows teacher Chris Sniotty leaning over the shoulder of 16 year old Simon Shawson while blatantly filling the boy with hope and confidence. “It’s completely out of character for ‘Snotty’,” said an on-looking classmate. “We don’t know what made him do it, but we hear life has being going good for him out of school lately so that might have had an affect.”

The principal of the school was unable for comment but fellow teacher Sandra Fahed defended her colleagues’ actions saying “Anyone who knows Chris knows that he wants his students to succeed. That is no secret within the school. Knowing him, it won’t be too distressful to have the world see his actions, but I do feel it is a violation of privacy. I just hope for him that this blows over as quickly as possible so that we can get back to normal”

Authorities in Ohio are unlikely to get involved this time but a local journalist thinks it is only a matter of time before they do. “We’re not used to seeing such human behavior between teachers and students, so this is obviously going to be treated with suspicion. I personally feel that the line may have been crossed but it’s not for me to decide.” The boy is said to be doing well since the event, with his parents saying, “Simon looks happier and seems to have more belief in himself, despite the ordeal.”

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Miner

32 Chilean miners are said to be fuming after finding out that their 4 month, underground prison is all an elaborate plan by work colleague Esteban Rojas to get his girlfriend Jessica Yanez to marry him.

The news broke this morning as Rojas made a webcam proposal where he admitted to the spectacle. “It was a very nice thing to do,” said Thos Brem, who is one of the hundreds of men trying to free the miners. “But we just wish he hadn’t chosen a mine this deep for the event. He obviously wanted it to be special.” Chilean officials who have been in constant contact with the men have reported that the atmosphere is ‘frosty enough down there now’ with Rojas being ousted from the group. “It’s a sad sight on the webcam,” said Brem. “He’s engaged and should be celebrating the occasion with his friends but the whole thing seems to have backfired.”

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Cat in a Wheelie Bin

High-ranking officials in flood-ridden Pakistan are under criticism today for their reluctance to take part in the ongoing ‘cat in the wheelie bin’ debate.

The cat was dumped by bank worker Mary Bale “as a joke”, but facebook campaigners failed to see the funny side and Mrs Bale (45) is now under investigation by the west midland police and the RSPCA. “I expected it to wriggle out of the bin,” said Bale.

With the story making front page news all over Britain, pressure is now on other countries to acknowledge its’ importance, but Pakistan has failed to print the story in any of its’ main news sources. “It’s disappointing,” said RSPCA campaigner Roisin Nerder. “I know everybody has their own problems but it is a cat in a wheelie bin at the end of the day and should be given the coverage it deserves.”

Pakistani officials were keen to send their sympathy’s to Lolo (4) and her family, but also defended the story’s’ omission form their front pages. “We do care about cats in wheelie bins, we really do, but it’s just that we’re now up to 1,539 deaths from the flooding. 20 million of our population has been affected by this disaster. 1.2 million families have had their houses damaged or destroyed and the loss to our agriculture is around £1.5 billion. We promise to print Lolos’ story as soon as we get ourselves back on our feet.”

That might not be good enough for some journalists however, with one claiming, “Recovery for Pakistan could take at least 3 years. Lolo will be 7 by then, which is 44 in human years. She will probably have put the trauma behind her by that stage.”

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3 Junkies ruining a photo opportunity at the Molly Malone

A number of complaints have been received by the Tourist Board in the past few days from concerned Dublin citizens and foreigners visiting the city in relation to numerous photo opportunities being spoiled by ‘dirty-looking delinquents and gear heads’ clinging to famous Irish landmarks.

One concerned city centre trader said; “It’s crazy! They’re everywhere! There was a junkie off his face alseep in Jim Larkin’s arms on O’Connell St. the other day and a friend of mine saw a whole family of non-nationals asleep in Molly Malone’s cart.” The situation of the homeless attaching themselves to national monuments is an issue that local councillors want addressed when the Dail  resumes in September.

The matter reached the national media’s attention last Wednesday when a homeless man in his early twenties managed to climb the Spire to avoid an attack from a drug dealer he owed money to and stayed there until the fire brigade arrived. “He was up there for at least four hours and he ruined every tourists photo of the landmark. I mean the money those people have spent coming here. The least they deserve is a nice photo of their stay. Now they all have is a photo of a junkie clinging for dear life to a needle,” said a concerned local trader.

The matter has grown even more troublesome outside of the capital where twenty-somethings have been attempting to commit suicide at the Cliffs of Moher on an almost hourly basis. A Cliffs of Moher Tourist Ambassador (CoMTA) said; “It’s a good job we put up that fence to stop them from doing it. The last thing all these Spaniards and Japanese want to see is this sort of desperate stuff. They’re queueing up like lemmings.” The issue has reached such drastic lengths that local council authorities in Mayo have called an emergency meeting to decide whether to allow a daily slot for ‘suicide implementation’ in the early hours and late at night when tourist traffic is at its lowest. “The truth is we are not sure if we can even stop these young people from doing this anymore, some of them seem to have their hearts set on it. The least we can do is make sure that they are not upsetting any of the tourists while they are doing it. “

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The Controversial Mailbox (Pic: dougtone)

Barack Obama is under attack for being ‘insensitive and insulting’ to the families of those who died on September 11th (2001) by allowing a mailbox to be erected only kilometers away from where thousands of Americans lost their lives.

The mailbox will serve all residents of Jersey City (6km outside of NY), including Christians, Muslims and Islamists, which US patriots are strongly objected to. “We are not going to let them put a symbol of triumph at Ground Zero,” said New Yorker Fred Tholerent. “Innocent Americans didn’t give their lives for some President to come in and stomp all over it like this. This is just another example of the Islamisation of America.”

Protests have already gathered outside of the mailbox sparking some violent encounters between patriots and supporters of the box. “This is a question of freedom of religion,” claimed a supporter of the erection. “It will be a symbol of tolerance and individuality. We should all be able to come here and post our mail, regardless of creed or colour.”

This latest fiasco is expected to put a dent in the popularity of President Obama and his opposers are already rubbing their hands together with glee with news of some of his future ‘monuments’ reaching the press this week. The proposals include, the erection of a lamppost 10 miles from the grassy knoll, a water fountain 43 km from Pearl Harbour and the removal of some bushes from Iraq.

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Facebook Throne

Fresh concerns have been raised over the issue of online privacy as Facebook launches the latest feature facebookThrone, which alerts and connects friends who are ‘taking a dump’ at the same time.

Internet security watchdogs flagged the feature moments after thelaunch yesterday, while posing the question “Is there anything we feel we do not need to share?” Speaking on behalf of Internet privacy group CYOSP (Commenting on Your Own Status is Pathetic), web security skeptic User_010lj said, “In the process of grasping for some sort of belonging through the sharing of mundane events, users now feel the need to even share the call of nature. I’m not sure if there’s anything left. We might have just hit rock bottom.”

Facebook spokesperson Joan Sayse defended the new feature at the launch yesterday saying, “This is just another form of interactive sharing experience which our users can choose to use or not to use.” The way the technology works is through a downloaded application called facebookThrone, which users log into when they are seated upon a toilet. Within the application they can see which of their friends are also logged into facebookThrone and chat, share photos/videos etc.

“It opens up a whole new world of social networking,” says Sayse. “The majority of our users do not like to feel alone, no matter what time of day or night it is. Through facebookThrone they can stay in touch with friends and family, challenging our whole outdated notion of privacy.”

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Impaled Landlord (Credit: moo moo)

A number of pedestrians on the main street of Rathmines in Dubin yesterday were witness to a horrific accident. Landlord Joey Vickers, was attempting to erect a For Rent sign on the front of one of his properties when the wind blew up causing him to fall and become completely impaled on the sign. “It was like something out of the Omen,” said one passerby, “Do you remember the scene where the lads are unloading panes of glass from the back of the van and all of a sudden your man’s head is decapitated? It was like that. It was just like a real version of that.”

Mr. Vickers was erecting the seventh for rent sign on the one premises. It is alleged that of late he had become angered by homeless people continuously stealing the signs to build shelters. One eyewitness stated how Mr. Vickers appeared distracted and panicked moments before ascending the ladder with the sign and his tenants believe a confrontation with recently evicted tenants earlier that day may also have led to this loss of concentration.

One of his tenants, Ian Costigan, a recent college graduate now unemployed and drawing rent allowance spoke of how his landlord had been understanding abut his situation. Mr. Costigan said; “He was ok i suppose. I mean for someone who leased overpriced damp property with four layers of wallpaper on the walls, one for each decade. But he was the type of person that has no interest in showers, plumbing, dampness…actually, come to think of it…he was a prick. Nah Fuck him! Does this mean we get to keep the house now?”

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Noel lighting Naomi's ciggy *Credit: Harrysach2010/BenSutherland)

British supermodel Naomi Campbell will be sentenced before the war crimes court today for her part in the ‘Blood Diamond’ saga and is expected to serve up to 6 years of being inconvenienced.

‘Contradicting stories and general dodgyness’ is believed to be the reason for the conviction but the nature of the punishment will come as a surprise to the watching public. “Ms Campbell will serve 6 years of constant inconvenience,” read a spokeswoman at The Hague’. “As from today she will have to enter any taxi, limousine or car by the traffic side only. Every flight she takes must suffer an indefinite delay time and all her cigarettes must be lit by Noel Edmonds,” read the statement.

Other ‘inconveniences’ listed throughout the 25 min statement included the removal and ban of batteries from the remote controls of all TV, DVD and other audio/visual devices from the millionaire’s home, soup to be consumed only with a fork, and a battery with a 1 hour maximum to be inserted into her mobile phone. Lawyers for Campbell said that their client was ‘devastated’ by the outcome and vows to challenge the verdict.

“These sanctions are completely over the top and inhumane,” said the Lawyer for Campbell, reading a statement from his client. “Nobody should be expected to live like this and my legal team will fight on to prove my innocence. I’ve never even met Noel Edmonds, but now his stupid number is saved in my stupid 1-hour phone for whenever I need a bloody ciggy.”

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Sleeping Walking

A private citizen affected by chronic sleepwalking has gone into hiding as he mounts a legal battle to ‘reclaim his soul’ from international media and transnational corporations. Jules La Touche from Marseille became a you tube phenomenon last week when CCTV footage of him sleepwalking naked made its way onto the internet. Three days later his friends were ignoring him.

McDonalds and Burger King have already invested in multi-million dollar campaigns of spoof versions of the event. The story has featured on every major news station in the western world, the images have inspired at least twenty bored musicians to write soundtracks to the video and he has been offered three book deals for his version of events. Mr. La Toche’s lawyer stated; “He is well and truely sick of it. He wants to know when the media will grow up and stop responding to pathetic knee-jerk human situations that not only damage but ruin the lives of private citizens.”

Publicist Max Clifford offered; “a lot of my clients could do with this type of exposure. He’s incredibly lucky. He should really make the most of it.” Now that he is in the public domain anyone can write whatever they want to say about him and anything he says or does can be reported in the public interest. Mr. La Touche  has even become the posterboy of cheap and tasteless exploitation and defamation masquerading as entertainment and informative news in the form of cheap wordpress smart arse satirical media.

His lawyer continued; “Anyone who is anyone is trying to make a dollar off my client, even me. He suffers from chronic sleep walking, thats it. There was nothing funny about the incident, nothing funny. It is a disposition he has to live with for the rest of his life and now he has to do this in private. He has had to be strapped into bed every night since this latest catastrophe and is terrified of removing any items of clothing.”

A press release from McDonalds stated; “We hit the lowest common denominator everytime. If people think this viral stuff is worth watching and laughing at, you better believe we are selling them a burger.”

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Bunting...and lots of it! (Credit: (c) Freefoto)

The Irish Government last night announced a €20 milion bunting stimulus package to failed suburban real estate projects around the country. The initiative hopes to encourage reluctant first-time house buyers to commit to a purchase and a long-term mortgage. Head of the Real Estate Association of Ireland Fionnuala Dunlop said; “There’s nothing like a bit of bunting to persuade people to part with hundreds of thousands of euros they don’t really have. In my twenty-five years experience in real estate i would have to say that bunting is key to the operation.”

The project has created fourteen jobs for the disabled in Cavan and Navan and the initiative hopes to create another five jobs in the coming months. Head of operations at Bunting Inc. Steve Waldren said; “It’s not so much about creating new jobs but more about getting the interest in property aroused through the bunting. We have all types of bunting, each with their own character. Different coloured bunting, shiney bunting, all-weather bunting, even eco-bunting!”

The Government has been criticised for the seemingly large sum of money put aside for such a simple and novel thing as bunting. “We’ve tried TV and radio campaigns, newspaper articles, printed flyers, everything you could imagine and so there is nothing left to be done other than bunting.”

Sister companies such as Remax in America expressed an interest in the package and respresentatives from Remax suggested that bunting is indeed the way to go. A spokesperson for their Irish operations said; “Kids are the major consumer decision makers in the home by now. What do they really want? Bunting and lollipops. Simple as that.  We need to make the adults think like they are kids…free i mean.”